Killing Me Slowly

A leopardess who learned how to dance. And read.

Testament

Testament - Richard W. Kelly So, to start out this review, we need to explain that the author himself sent us signed copy for review of this book. We were more than excited about this, considering it was our very first free, signed review copy, and we appreciate the author’s generosity. But we promised to give an honest, blunt review, same as we’d give any other book, so it is with heavy hearts that we have to say…

There is almost nothing in this book that we can recommend. The main character, Thomas, is an unlikeable fanatic lunatic, who we seriously suspect is just literally insane. Reading from his point of view left us questioning our own sanity, and in need of a shower. The writing is tedious to read, with awkward and repetitive phrasing. And the whole story has this underlying feel of fanatic, old-school eye-for-an-eye Christianity that kind of creeped us out.

But anyway, our hero. The entire opening chapter is devoted to describing Thomas’ apathetic lifestyle; he refuses to bath or clean his apartment, his social interaction is limited solely to strippers, and at work…well, we’ll let him explain:

"He was not concerned with customer satisfaction or the cleanliness of the store itself. In fact, he was constantly playing two games in his head.

The first was a counting game where he would see how many times a customer would ask for help before they decided he was either deaf or rude.[...] The second was a guessing game that centered on trying to see how much dust and dirt could collect around each customer. He had a person at one point that literally had a dust bunny that covered his entire shoe. This game almost felt like watching art."

He spends the next three paragraphs describing the dust.

The point is that the guy is an unlikable douche, and he is supposed to be. The problem is that everything that happens after his transformation seems like it’s supposed to be an improvement – Thomas fulfilling his destiny. But it’s not. He becomes a psychotic, serial-killing Jesus freak.

In a nutshell, the premise is this: Thomas is turned into a vampire, decides that God has given him a second chance at life, and takes it upon himself to rid the world of thieves by murdering them for God. In the meantime, he abandons his old life to live in a church – well lurk in a church…basement….not sleeping…being transparent (literally – see next paragraph)…creeping out the priest…and stalking a parishioner…for Jesus. Primarily because being in the church robs him of his supernatural abilities, and he likes this.

Oh, and speaking of world-rules, the vampires of Testament are literally transparent. The longer they spend as a vampire, the more you can see through their skin to their musculature, like creepy, cave-dwelling fish. The book explains it like this:

"The creatures can not hold pigmentation in their skin nor eyes. Their entire existence is the constant dispelling of their pigmentation."

If someone could tell us what the Hell that even means, we’d be grateful.

Read full review at You're Killing.Us

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