Killing Me Slowly

A leopardess who learned how to dance. And read.
Fallen - Lauren Kate Why is it that every time books have pretty covers, they end up sucking? It's not fair, dammit.

So anyway, if it isn't already obvious, we didn't like this book very much. At all, actually. We had to think hard to find a single thing we liked about it, so we'll get those out of the way, first: Cyna liked Arriane, and Kayla liked that Kate wasn't afraid to kill people. Now let's get on to the good stuff.

Fallen is a disaster on all fronts. Usually terrible books have at least one redeeming feature buried in there somewhere - good writing, interesting characters, or a good concept. Fallen has none of those. Instead, we spend 400-pages reading about an annoying chick stalking a total douche bag. And that's all. What little mythology there is gets squished into the 50-page long confusing mess that tries to pass itself off as a climax, and that was about as unsatisfying and un-revelatory as a climax can get. All it left us with were questions, potential plot holes, and a lot of pent-up anger.

But let's get on to the big stuff. Like the pacing. This is probably the first time we've read a book where the biggest issue is pacing. Even though the back cover - for once - doesn't spoil it, we went into Fallen knowing that the prime love interest was a fallen angel, and that's it. We didn't know what the series concept was, or anything about the heroine and what role she would play in the series. We were Fallen virgins. And then we were horribly spoiled...by the first chapter.

Yes, Lauren Kate felt the need to hook her audience on her new series by telling you everything you need to know about Luce (she's reincarnated), Daniel (he's immortal), and their relationship (they're irresistibly drawn to one another, but can't be together because every time they kiss, Luce dies, but they keep doing it anyway HURRDURR) in the first chapter. The rest of the book Fallen is the long version of the same thing. The only difference - and you know this from page one because if it weren't we wouldn't have a series - is that this time will be the Exception: Luce won't die when he kisses her, and because of that, stuff will happen. Sorry we spoiled it for you, but we just saved you a whole book of repetitive reading :)

While Kate could have used her Spoiler Chapter to cut the bullshit who-are-you-and-what-is-our-connection part of the book and get straight to the more interesting who-are-we-fighting-and-why, she doesn't. Instead, she dwells on it. Fallen is an entire book dedicated to discovering who-are-you-and-why-do-I-inexplicably-love-you, undoubtedly the most annoying part of any paranormal romance novel. But this is the only mystery the heroine concerns herself with, and we know all the answers by the second chapter. It's boring. This is the only time we'll say anything good about Twilight, but at least by the midway point, Bella had figured out what Edward was, and his last name didn't fucking mean "vampire". It's called "Google", Luce, use it. Christ, it's pretty bad when Bella fucking Swan can out-research your heroine.

Read more at You're Killing.Us.

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